Julie, a pretty 16-year-old Vancouver school girl, is six months into her third "serious" relationship since becoming sexually active two years ago. She believes in commitment, would never sleep around on the side (much less tolerate such behaviour in a boyfriend) and prefers the intimacy of one significant relationship over the more innocent dating of lots of boys. "People don't really go on dates anymore," she says, noting that she met her current boyfriend through friends during a group outing. "Even if you don't have sex, people think you're a slut if you go out with lots of guys."

According to youth workers, Julie's experience is typical of the average Canadian teenager who, as parents know, has a lot more on his mind these days than settling in for a new school year. In the post-sexual revolution pop culture, "dating" has become an anachronism. Instead, teens increasingly move in and out of longer, adult-like sexual relationships, a trend sociologists have dubbed "serial monogamy." Those teens who do date tend to engage in group activities rather than pairing off.

What this means, however, is that even though they may be engaging in regular sex, teens appear to be having far less fun than they did in the days when going out with someone often meant little more than a fumbling good-night kiss on the front steps. And while the loss of a care-free adolescence may seem a trivial concern, some see the death of dating as an early-warning signal for trouble down the road.

Indeed, social conservatives say traumatic cycles of bonding and break-up create lasting emotional scars and establish a behavioral pattern that can be difficult to break after marriage. Moreover, some traditionalists say the marriage bond itself can never grow as strongly as it should for a couple who have had several intense sexual relationships with other partners.

"It's like expecting a baby who was raised in one of those old Iron Curtain orphanages to grow up into a happy, well-balanced adult," says one Lower Mainland teen counsellor. "It won't happen because the bonding process has been shattered." The same thing happens in adult relationships, says the school counsellor (who asked to remain anonymous). "Human nature was not meant to endure the formation and then the destruction of countless intimate sexual relationships. It's bad for people when this happens, and it's bad for society because it weakens the family."

Intriguingly, social observers note an apparent paradox in modern teen dating phenomena. On the one hand, many teens have clearly embraced the "chaste is a waste" ethos that exploded in the 1960s and, as a consequence, are now ignoring traditional moral standards about premarital sex. On the other hand, teens have also rejected the full, libertine message of "free love" that preaches that one can form sexual liaisons with as many partners as one wants with no negative consequences.

But while the serial monogamy trend represents a de facto rebuttal of consequence-free promiscuity, traditionalists maintain that teens should reject the entire free-love message to better prepare themselves for marriage. Such major attitudinal change cannot happen overnight, of course, but conservative parents say that, for starters at least, condom machines should be removed from schools and sex-ed programs should promote chastity more vigorously. Other youth workers suggest the solution is for couples to start marrying young again. Still others, including some teens, say that young people have to take the initiative themselves and start putting the fun back into dating by taking the sex out.

Quantifying the serial monogamy trend is difficult, because the evidence is impressionistic, says Reginald Bibby, a sociologist at the University of Lethbridge who has surveyed teens extensively. According to Statistics Canada's 1996 Health Indicators Report, the average person becomes sexually active at age 14. However, even among college or university students, 23% of males and 26% of females are not yet sexually active. Moreover, 31% of males and 25% of females have had sex only once or "a few times," suggesting that the majority of teens either abstain or restrict sex to long-term relationships.

However, it does not follow that teens who abstain or restrict sex have stopped dating, says Mr. Bibby. He says there have been no surveys of Canadian teen-dating patterns establishing a trend to serial monogamy, and notes that young couples in theatres are still a common sight. There may be a tendency toward spending more time with members of the opposite sex as friends, or in large groups, he says. "But ultimately, people still end up as couples," he says.

However, Sue McGarvie, a free-wheeling Ottawa sex therapist and radio host, says she receives 500 calls a week from teens, and has noticed a definite trend toward serial monogamy in the past six years. Ms. McGarvie says it has become trendy to be in a series of year-long relationships, one after another. Julio Bello, a youth counsellor at Vancouver's Gordon Neighbourhood House, confirms that teens are dating for longer periods. "Their relationships are quite complex," Mr. Bello says. "They talk about things like commitment, sharing, goals--things that you would naturally associate with adult relationships."

Although they differ in their views of serial monogamy, sexual liberationists and moral traditionalists alike tend to cite three causes for the trend: technology, feminism and the decline in religion. With technology, it's the popularity of the Internet that has resulted in many teens eschewing dates in favour of staying at home or developing "on-line" friendships. Ms. McGarvie says one of the most common questions asked of her is, "How do I meet people?" She says there are a lot of lonely teens who do not know how. "It's a real problem," she says.

At the same time, popular TV shows such as Beverly Hills 90210 depict teens regularly falling in and out of love, heightening the perception that serial monogamy is the norm, when in fact many young people might otherwise prefer to date casually. In that show's final episode last season, Donna, the last remaining chaste character, gave up her virginity at age 22 to achieve deeper intimacy with boyfriend David.

Technology has also changed the job market, which in turn has altered relationship patterns, says Chuck MacKnee, a psychologist at Trinity Western University (TWU) in Langley. Because many young people must undergo specialized training to launch their careers, the stage of "preparation for the adult world" has been lengthened, he says. This has coincided with health and nutritional changes that have hastened the onset of puberty. Prolonged adolescence has resulted in teens who are very focussed on their careers, but at the same time impatient to experience intimacy. "There is much more attachment-dating, revolving around relationships, versus event-dating," says Mr. MacKnee.

Feminism has also contributed to the rise of serial monogamy, although observers disagree on how. Girls have been told by society it is now okay to have sex, but are branded sluts if they do, says Ms. McGarvie. As a result, they are forced to indulge their sex-drives in long-term pairings, regardless of whether or not these relationships are fulfilling, she says. However, Mr. Bello believes many teenaged girls choose long-term relationships for straightforward reasons. "Society is now saying that if women want sex, that's okay," he says. "They know what they want, and are more confident in themselves to actually ask for it."

The decline in traditional morality has contributed to serial monogamy in a variety of ways. For one thing, it has led to an increase in sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs), forcing sexually active teens to think twice about bed-hopping. For another, it has removed excitement from illicit sexual relationships, says Ms. McGarvie. She maintains that, unlike her church-going parents, the majority of today's teens do not view sex as a moral issue, and therefore don't see premarital sex as thrillingly bad. As a result, teens are trying to find ways to make sex more interesting and lasting. One result is serial monogamy.

But Mr. Bibby cites a backlash against the free-love ideals of the baby boomer generation. He first observed this trend in 1984, during his "Project Teen Canada" survey. Of the 3,600 participants, 88% believed extramarital sex was not right. They also had high expectations of adults, believing that their parents and other married adults should honour commitment. He attributes adolescents' convictions to experiencing the consequences of infidelity in their own homes or of seeing those consequences in friends' families. Mr. Bibby is quick to add, however, that only 7% of those same teens opposed premarital sex involving love--one of the reasons he is dubious of the serial monogamy trend.

Kathleen Leahy, a youth worker at Kiwassa Neighbourhood House in east Vancouver, maintains that serial monogamy is neither new nor universally practised. She notes that even in the romanticized 1950s-era of drive-ins, soda fountains and sock hops, many young couples had long-term relationships. Likewise, many of today's teens date casually, some involving sex but others not. Teens who are bored with school find more excitement in going to parties or the park to meet members of the opposite sex.

Indeed, given that serial monogamy is just a more prolonged form of sleeping around, teens are arguably practising the very free love values they claim to oppose, says Paul Robinson, a former teacher and director of the 1994 Freedom Tour, a series of pro-chastity rallies sponsored by Kelowna Christian Centre. "They're emulating the lifestyle of their parents," he says. "Mom sleeps around, dad has six mistresses--where's the example?"

Many non-traditionalists agree that serial monogamy has created a whole new set of social problems for teens. Mr. Bello says many teens spend much of their youth getting to know only a few people. And when these relationships break up, the feelings of heartbreak are more intensified. Ms. McGarvie goes even further, calling serial monogamy dangerous. She says young girls are getting stuck in relationships that do not meet their needs, a pattern that has contributed to high divorce rates. Her radical solution is for girls to be encouraged to explore many different relationships without being branded as sluts. "I'm not saying girls should jump every Tom, Dick and Harry," she says. "But they're going to have sex anyway. We have to teach them not to settle for mediocre sex. Great sex is not one-night stands. It tends to be with people who know you, and who can provide intimacy."

But critics say it is precisely this hunger for intimacy that drives teens toward serial monogamy in the first place, and that encouraging them to sleep with more people will only worsen the emotional trauma that results when the deep bonds created by sexual intimacy are continually broken.

Indeed, chastity advocate Robinson says that by the time many teens reach their 20s, they have already experienced a life-time of heartache. The accumulated rage, hurt and self-doubt become so entrenched that even teens from loving homes may never recover. Although he is encouraged by the trend toward group activities, rather than pairing off, Mr. Robinson suspects most teens view these functions as a platform to meet their next partner. This constant cycle of bonding and break-up sets a pattern that is difficult to change after marriage, a trend he has observed in his own family. "They hit their 20s, have two kids, and then it's back into serial monogamy."

The solution is for couples to start marrying younger again, says Mr. Robinson, a self-described Christian radical. "A lot of kids are horny enough that they ain't gonna make it to 16. I think God knows that. I think there are a lot of people who, if they knew who their life partner was, and if it was ordained by God, it could be quite proper for them to be married at 16."

Mr. Robinson met his wife when he was 16, but did not marry until he was 20, a delay that made it difficult to abstain from sex and caused many problems. He believes pastors should encourage young people to date and, if a relationship goes well, to marry. "A lot of times God knows who your ideal life partner should be," Mr. Robinson says. "As a result, it doesn't matter at what age you marry."

But other traditionalists say younger marriages would create further challenges for teens. High taxes have made it difficult even for financially secure older couples to start families. And young people pursuing advanced education would have even greater difficulty. There is also the problem of developmental maturity, says TWU's Mr. MacKnee. He says research indicates that couples who marry young have higher rates of divorce.

Nonetheless, Mr. MacKnee concedes that many of these failed younger marriages occurred before the more recent trend of serial monogamy, and that given the change in teens' attitudes towards relationships, their chances of marital success may be greater. He also speculates that people who do not struggle with commitment and preparation for marriage during their teen years may have no better chance of succeeding later in life. "I'm not recommending early marriage for everyone, but for some couples it may increasingly be an option," he says.

Still, Mr. MacKnee agrees with sex therapist McGarvie in part--teens should be seeing more people, in terms of traditional event-based dating, rather than relationship-dating. He notes that spending time with members of the opposite sex is an integral part of developing a self-identity and finding a suitable marriage partner. Even on TWU's Christian campus, if a student goes out with someone even once they are considered "an item." And students who go out with several different people are considered "loose," even if no sex is involved. "People don't have an opportunity to have fun before the force of serious commitment is placed on them," he says.

Teens themselves say they wouldn't mind a little more casual dating and a little less intensity. Sophie Lam, a 15-year-old east Vancouver student, says she would like to go out with more guys, but she is afraid many will get the wrong idea and want to have sex or think she is in love with them. There are other factors too, such as the rise in multiculturalism. Many teens in minority communities feel pressured not to date outside their race, she says. "You see [dating] in movies and it sounds kind of hokey but it looks fun," she says. "Nobody I know does it."

It's possible that the phenomenon of "event" dating will never return, says Mr. MacKnee. "Maybe it was a blip in history, with drive-ins and soda fountains, that's gone for good. I hope it's not, and that it can be resurrected again. I have a sense that it wasn't a bad thing."

—Dave Cunningham

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