The cover story in this month's edition of CARPNews, the magazine of the Canadian Association of Retired Persons, is headlined: "Who Will Take Care of Us?" It is a fair and increasingly urgent question. Longevity rates are increasing, healthcare costs are soaring and the future of public pensions is in doubt. The statist answer to these trends is to tax younger generations ever more heavily to provide pensions and professional home care or institutional care for the elderly. Call it "welfare and warehousing." But some people are trying a different approach. Middle-aged couples are taking their parents into their homes and finally overcoming the "generation gap" that divided families in the 1960s.

Canadians are living longer than ever, according to figures released last month by Statistics Canada. The average person born in 1996 will live 78.6 years, up 109.5 days from 1995. The number of Canadians over 65 has more than doubled in the past 25 years, and by 2011 it will increase by another 40% to nearly five million. In that same period, the number of people over 80 will almost double. The aging population coincides with cuts to healthcare and social services demanded by a tax-weary electorate, as well as plummeting confidence in the Canada Pension Plan, now facing a $600-billion underfunded liability. All these factors are combining to put pressure on families to take more responsibility for their elders.

By and large it is baby boomers who are confronted with this responsibility, and many want nothing to do with it. As one 40-something Calgary woman observes: "Most of my friends' parents live in other provinces, including mine, and that suits us just fine. But don't quote me, my mother will kill me." On the other hand, according to Statscan, half a million Canadians currently provide at least 10 hours per week unpaid care for elderly relatives. When it comes to actually living together, however, only 3% to 4% of the nearly nine million baby boomers now aged 35 to 53—representing approximately 300,000 households—have a parent living under the same roof. Little research has been done to measure whether the phenomenon is growing, but some experts feel it is the way of the future. Already, for some, it is a very workable solution.

"We've had mom living with us for 12 years and it's been a blessing," says Jan Batiuk, 42, of Springbank, just west of Calgary. "She's one of my best friends." Her mother, Lyla Goodwyn, 77, is legally blind, but she sets the table, is always there for her three grandchildren, and pitches in with household chores as best she can. Mrs. Goodwyn has her own bedroom, but eats all her meals with the family. "Mom goes into her room after supper to give us some family time, but soon one of the kids will waddle down and visit with her, watch TV, snack, play 'Go Fish' with her gigantic cards, and talk."

Mrs. Batiuk's husband John, 43, who sells computer software, considers the live-in arrangement a convenience rather than an imposition. "When we're running late, we know that there's someone there with the kids." The most important factor in the relationship, he believes, is "the desire to make it work."

Wade Batiuk, 11, has never known life without his grandmother, and he would not have it any other way. "She spoils me so much," he says. "She gives me candy if I'm nice, lets me stay up past my bedtime when my parents are away. All my friends say, 'I wish I had my grandma living with me,' but I don't know anyone else who does." He expects that when he grows up, he will care for his parents too. "That way they can pay for the rent, and it'll be nice to know my mom's still with me 100%."

"I was never going to live with my children," Mrs. Goodwyn states emphatically. "I loved my house and figured I'd be buried in my back yard." Losing her eyesight, however, changed those plans. She fit into her new home well, thanks to experience with her own live-in mother-in-law. "She wanted to take over all the time and be the boss, but we conquered that by talking it out," Mrs. Goodwyn recalls. "That taught me not to interfere; besides, if I ever want to say something when the children are arguing, Jan will say, 'Mom, just don't say anything,' and I keep quiet."

Mrs. Goodwyn contributes money to the household every month, and buys things she sees are needed around the house. "She also gets after me to sit down and have a cup of tea," laughs her daughter who, once a full-time mother, now does volunteer work, plays in a band, and served as entertainment coordinator for the World Police/Fire Games hosted by Calgary last year. "The way of the future is going to be parents living with their children," Ms. Batiuk states. "All the boomers are just going to have to face that fact of life. Our system simply can't handle the cost of institutionalized care for the elderly." She pauses. "That's the cold answer," she admits. "For myself, I couldn't think of putting my mother in a nursing home."

Ms. Batiuk feels the key to comfortable inter-generational co-existence is the quality of parent-child relationship established early on. "We are running so quickly nowadays, but what you do now with your kids is how society is going to turn out in the future. If we want to make changes, we've got to start with the present children and develop bonds so that when they're older, they're friends who want to have you around. Of course," she adds, "that's not the right motivation for spending time with kids. You do it because you want to."

While caring for a senior in the home can be a positive experience, Richard Plain, a healthcare economist at the University of Alberta, warns that it would be naive to expect that all families would or could do it. It is true that governments, in an attempt to limit healthcare expenditures, are emphasizing that homecare is the cost-effective way of the future. But as Professor Plain notes, "a lot of baby boomers are saying, 'Not me.' They don't want to spend their years from 55 to 75 caring for an aged mother who lives to 95. They love her, but that's not the way they want to spend their retirement years."

Another problem is that many families "simply aren't there. Both spouses are working and there are fewer children. And the majority of people can't afford private nursing homes. They're saying they'd sooner pay more taxes so their life is not destroyed." As a result, government-subsidized "day care for seniors" is a growing industry, while day programs for those with medical problems and Alzheimer's disease are also available. Some believe that employers will end up taking on part of the financial burden of home care as employees take time off or fall ill from the stresses of two full-time jobs. Others foresee the need for more part-time jobs for care-givers, acknowledging that some will suffer economically because they are forced to quit work to provide care.

Six weeks ago, nurse Linda Winterhoff and her accountant husband, Andy, both 43, moved her 87-year-old grandmother into their home in Maple Ridge, 25 miles east of Vancouver. "My grandma was the one who bought my party shoes and ice cream. Now it's turn-around time," Mrs. Winterhoff declares. "I have good memories, so it's easy."

Her grandmother, Ada Roche, had been suffering from arthritis and made the decision to move out of her home in Victoria. The family looked at care facilities, but found places charging $2,000 a month had "the teeniest little rooms." So the Winterhoffs gave her the option of moving in with them. "The important thing was, the offer was open," Mrs. Winterhoff says. "She made the decision. I didn't push her. Lots of people were saying, 'You should do this or that' but just because you're over 80 doesn't mean you can't make good decisions."

She also recommends that, if buying a new home to accommodate relatives, as the Winterhoffs did, people only buy a house they can afford to pay for themselves. "My girlfriend and her husband bought a house 50-50 with her mother, and now the mother listens at the door to their part of the home," she reports. "They had to put an alarm on the door so they know when she's there. She owns half the house, so they can't afford to move out."

Mrs. Roche describes herself as "thrilled" about the new living arrangements. "I got so nervous and lonely in my house alone at night, and I had one of those con artists from Montreal trying to get me to buy pen and pencil sets for $116." She pays room and board—"that's very important because I'm not a sponger"—and says she only gives the family advice only if they ask for it. "I never criticize when she [Mrs. Winterhoff] criticizes her children. I think a lot, but I keep quiet. She's done very well so far, so why should I interfere?"

Her great-granddaughter, Laurie, 16, warns that when a elderly relative moves in, "be prepared to change, and to supervise them when necessary. She burned our grilled cheese sandwiches really bad." What she likes about the situation is the free candy—"she gets the good stuff like Toffifee"—and the fact that she and her grandmother are closer than ever before. Laurie's brother, David, 17, adds that it is "wonderful" his great-grandmother is no longer far away so they can visit more and "listen to her stories about the war."

Not all stories about boomers' live-in parents are happy ones. "I promised my father on his deathbed that I would care for my mother," recounts a Calgary woman who asked not to be identified. "I'm much more careful now about promises I make. We had never been able to be in the same room for more than five minutes without being at each other's throats, and I kept her in my home for 13 years."

The mother, incontinent, deaf and self-absorbed, lived in her own world, expecting her rye and water at the stroke of 5:30 and dinner at six while her daughter struggled to care for her, a baby and an older child during her military husband's six-month absences. "I hired a personal care attendant and homemaker twice a week at $20 an hour, and she stole my mother's wedding rings, a coin collection, my bathing suit, a camera and her hearing aid." The family went nine years without a vacation before finally placing the woman in a nursing home last year.

A spokesman for Elder Advocates of Alberta, Ruth Adria of Edmonton, contends that some homemakers are not adequately trained, bonded, or paid. "Often when they come into homes they take things. They should have police checks run on them and be bonded." One professional homecare worker in Calgary says she is paid $7 per hour (or $9.25 for baths), with no travel time or car allowance. She works 11 hours a day, serving seven to eight people. "For that pay it's hard to get good people, so there's a waiting list for homemaking. I love older people and want to make things easier for them, but last time I took time off, my replacement didn't even change the bed. She just sat and talked."

Vancouver gerontologist Maureen Maclachlan claims that many boomers are slow to face the facts about their parents' emerging needs regarding care, money and legal matters because they are stuck in a "mindset that is forever young." She points to a survey of 1,001 families by Trimark Mutual Funds which asked household financial decision-makers aged 35 to 53 how comfortable they were in talking with their families about money. Although sex was rated the most difficult topic, death and religion were both considered easier to discuss than money.

The president of Vancouver's Age Matters Communications Group Inc., Ms. Maclachlan believes this "freeze-frame" mentality prevents boomers from fully acknowledging their parents' aging and eventual death, not to mention their own mortality. "But we have to be talking with our parents right now about money—before we're forced to by a crisis," she emphasizes. As the ratio of taxpayers to retirees decreases, governments will not be able to maintain current levels of healthcare and pension financing, so boomers will be forced pick up more health and housing costs. And the situation will become even more acute as the great demographic bulge of the baby boom moves into retirement. "Long-term care is not all covered by the government and could cost $800 to $1,200 a month," notes Ms. Maclachlan. "My father suffers from dementia and his private care is $4,500 a month. If we don't become aware now that these costs can be staggering, there'll be a rude awakening when we hit our 60s."

Ms. Maclachlan has run into adult children who view their parents' savings as "their inheritance" and resent spending it on parental care. "Increasingly there are issues around financial abuse of elders when these children have power of attorney. They rationalize to themselves, 'I'm going to get it eventually anyway,' or 'He's 83 and won't need it,' or 'The grandchildren need it for university.' Studies show as many as 8% of seniors are financially abused by a family member or friend. Ms. Maclachlan is working with the B.C. Coalition to Eliminate Abuse of Seniors to develop a program, soon to go Canada-wide, to help banks recognize and prevent financial abuse, and inform seniors of ways to maintain their financial independence.

Housing, too, is adapting to the changing social conditions. In Langley, the president of Trinity Western University, Neil Snider, and his wife, Marlie, invited her mother to live with them 10 years ago. "She was thinking of buying a condominium, but instead she gave us a bit of money and when we built our house, we included a 650-square-foot suite for her with a living room and kitchen. It's on the main floor and has an outside door, but opens into the house, so when she wants to, she can be close." Mr. Snider, who describes himself as "an advanced boomer," feels the arrangement has worked out "beautifully. We give her freedom and try not to do too much for her or be patronizing. We believe in the extended family; it works."

His mother-in-law, Margaret Payne, 89, spends seven months of the year with her family in Langley and five months in Toronto, where her other daughter and her husband share Mrs. Payne's home. "Having the grandchildren and friends of the family in and out all the time keeps the interest going," she smiles. Her advice for parents and children contemplating co-habitation? "Leave it up to the parent. My mother lived with my sister, then all of a sudden decided to move to a nursing home. We agreed it was her decision."

Marlie Snider feels the arrangement suits the whole family. "In fact, our youngest daughter is interested in building a house with a suite for us." Mr. Snider adds, "It's not for everyone, but if the parent is in good health, there's a lot to be said for it. It's simply a matter of having a service-oriented mindset." The arrangement makes good economic sense too. "It's a lot cheaper adding to the meal budget than paying for two homes." One of his university colleagues was so impressed with the Sniders' situation he is now in the process of building a home with an attached suite.

Homes with so-called "granny flats" are "an emerging market, but probably won't be built [in large numbers] for another 10 years," according to Brian Hodgson, chief operating officer of Carma Developers. In southeast Calgary his company is building homes to which an optional 500-square-foot suite can be attached over the garage for an additional $40,000. "Another possibility is stand-alone cottages built behind homes," he suggests, although zoning restrictions discourage them on ever-smaller city lots. But when the demographics demand it, says Mr. Hodgson, "the industry will respond and come up with product solutions."

Calgarian Judith Lee-Hoffer and her husband, Art, lived with her mother, Clara Lee, for 16 years prior to her death at 92. Full Circle: Experiences with an Aging Parent is their story. She admits that living together is not for all parents and children. "When we suggested it to my mother-in-law, she replied, 'Oh God forbid!'," she recalls. But when it works well, she adds, "it's a real privilege." A psychotherapist working out of her home, she points to studies showing that, regardless of where aging parents reside, their well-being is strongly influenced by the amount of affection and communication they experience in their relationships with their children, near and far.

As with most reports about multi-generational homes, these children learned a lot about caring. In Full Circle, Ms. Lee-Hoffer describes the busy years with two children, 15 months apart, and how her mother, the calm in the storm, was always willing to lend a hand. "Engaged in various activities with the children, I would occasionally comment, 'My, Nana's such a treasure!'" One day upon returning home, Ms. Lee-Hoffer was greeted by the babysitter, eager to share a story. While playing that afternoon, her daughter had confided, "You know, Nana is Mommy's treasure, and when I grow up, Mommy's going to be my treasure, too."

Her son adored his grandmother when small, but "gradually, as she became more confused and he became more factual, their relationship deteriorated" into hostile confrontations. At 16, however, he decided it was time to be nice to his grandmother again. "He began giving her kind attention, hugging her, and going into her room to wish her goodnight before she fell asleep...One evening my husband and I returned home at midnight to find our son seated on the couch watching a home video with one arm around his girlfriend and the other around his Nana. Mom barely glanced at us as we came in, no doubt fearful we might interrupt her obvious enjoyment."

"No matter what our past relationship has been like," Ms. Lee-Hoffer concludes, "perhaps each of us would benefit by spending some time alone with our parents in their advancing years. An opportunity to reconcile, to express regrets and appreciations, and to discover the unique beauty in our aged parent. Maybe in discerning that beauty we will grow less fearful of our own aging."

—Candis McLean

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